MORE OF JANET’S AND MY LIFE

August 12, 2026

by Rusty W. Mitchum

I’d been working in my shop and got hot, so I came in the house and plopped down in my easy chair.

“Man!” I said. “It’s hot out there.” Janet, who was readin’, grunted something unintelligible.

I leaned back in my easy chair, put my arms back over my head and closed my eyes. Then I sniffed a few times.

“Whew! What is that smell?”

Janet looked up from her book and then looked over at me.

“Probably your armpits,” she said. I turned my head and sniffed and then turned the other way and sniffed.

“Hunh,” I grunted and looked over at her. “B.O. in stereo.”

Janet gave me “the look” and said. “What is wrong with you?”

I thought for a moment. “Well,” I said, “smells like I might have died.”

She just looked at me. Then she went back to readin’ and growled, “No such luck.”

…….

"What do you want for supper?" Janet asked.

"Don't matter to me," I replied. "I just eat to survive. If it happens to taste good, well that's just gravy on the cake."

She stared at me. "Icing on the cake," she said.

"What?"

"It's icing on the cake, not gravy on the cake," she replied.

"Why would you put gravy on a cake?"

"You said that," she said through gritted teeth.

"I said what?" I asked.

"You said that you eat to survive and if it happens to taste good then that's gravy on the cake," she growled.

"Gravy on the cake? I thought the sayin' was icin' on the cake?"

"Rusty," she warned, and then in a menacin' voice asked, "What do you want for supper?"

"Hmmmm," I hmmmmed. "Let me think.......I know! How about cake and gravy?"

So, guess who's sleepin' in the RV tonight?

…….

Janet just stuck her head into the den. “Would you like me to make some chocolate chip cookies?” she asked.

I smiled at her. “Does a frog have a water tight hiney?

Her eyes narrowed and her top lip curled and she growled. “No cookies for you.”

…….

I was followin' Janet around one of her "women" stores because it was too hot to wait in the car and I saw a friend of ours, lookin' at some dresses. I pointed her out to Janet and then went, "Psssst, psssst, psssst."

The friend looked up, smiled, and said, "What's the matter Rusty, are you losing air?"

Janet replied to her, "You better hope not."

…….

“You know,” I said to Janet as I walked into the den. “I believe I might be a hobo and not know it.” She looked up at me from the couch.

“Do tell,” she sighed sarcastically.

“Well, I just looked in the mirror and noticed my t-shirt is inside out and my belt is twisted.”

She stared at me for a few seconds, gave me a condescendin’ smile, and said, “No, you’re just special.”

“Really?” I smiled. “What kind of special?”

“You, Rusty,” she said slowly. “You’re a Blue Light Special.”

…….

I climbed out of the shower and was dryin' off when I looked at myself in the mirror. I sucked my gut in.

"Huh," I said. "I think I just saw my six pack."

Janet, who was puttin' eye makeup on at the time, looked at me through the mirror and mumbled, "Not without X-ray vision you didn't."

…….

I walked into the kitchen just now and Janet was cuttin’ up some bacon.

“Whatcha buildin’?” I asked.

“Chicken casserole,” she said.

“With bacon?”

“Yes,” she sighed, “with bacon.”

“Wouldn’t that make it a bacon casserole?”

“Leave me alone,” she said.

“You puttin’ chicken in it, too?”

“Yes,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Wonder what them PETA people would think about you choppin’ up farm animals and all.”

She turned and looked at me. Then she looked down at the knife that was still in her hand, looked back up at me, and smiled. Wudn’t a really friendly smile neither.

Long story short, tonight I’m sleepin’ with the lights on and one eye open. …….

I was in the den watchin' TV when Janet walked through. There was a women commercial on and it had a lady on there in her underwear. Janet glanced at the TV and did a double take.

"What on earth are you watching?" she asked.

I looked up at her. "Nippleodeon," I replied.

She tilted her head, ducked her chin, and gave me the half-eyelid look. "Idiot.”

…….

Janet: Would you please go up and get the mail?

Me: Do you know how hot it is outside?

Janet: “The look.”

Me: I mean I could literally turn into jerky out there.

Janet: “The look.”

Me: Okay, okay I’ll go, but if I spontaneously combust you’re gonna feel awful.

Janet: “The look.”

Me: If I’m not back in 30 minutes, come and get my body, before the fire ants get me. I ought to be pretty light, me bein’ jerky and all.

Janet: “The look.”

Me: Oh yeah, you might want to bring a spatula. I don’t think the driveway is nonstick. (I start to walk out).

Janet: “Idiot.”

…….

"I picked up a bag of pre-cooked shrimp," Janet informed me. "Would you like some for supper?"

"You bet!" I said. "Do we have any horseradish?"

"Yes, I picked up a new jar."

"Yippee!" I exclaimed. "I'll fix up some of my world-famous cocktail sauce."

Janet looked at me. "Do not make it so hot this time."

"What? I don't make it hot."

"I'm warning you," she said.

Anywho, I mixed up a batch while she got the shrimp ready. When she set the big bowl of shrimp on the table, I picked up a nice size one, drug it through the sauce, and popped it in my mouth. I looked at Janet and smiled. A nano second later, the top of my head blew off.

Janet just looked at where my head had been. "I'm not cleaning that up," she said.

…….

I’m needin’ a new lawn mower and I was going to go buy one today, but then I remembered I have a doctor’s appointment in the mornin’.

“Maybe I better wait until after my doctor’s appointment to get my mower,” I told Janet. “You know, just in case he says I’m fixin’ to die or somethin’.” Janet gave me “the look.”

“Go get the mower,” she said and then smiled. “Don’t worry, my next husband can use it.”

…….

When I got in tonight, I walked into the den, threw my arms out and exclaimed, "Your lover boy's home!"

Janet was sittin' on the couch readin'. She looked up at me and then looked at her watch. "No," she said. "He hasn't had time to get there, yet."

…….

I was with Janet at the store a little while ago and she ran into one of her new coworkers. I stuck out my hand, smiled, and said, "Hi, I'm Rusty; Janet's trophy husband."

Janet looked at me with one of those half-closed eyelids look, and then turned back to the woman and said, "I guess it's obvious I didn't take first place."

…….

I was sittin’ on the couch when Janet walked by.

“Hey,” I said. “When you come back, will you bring me a pencil?”

“What’s the magic word?” she asked in a tone like she was talkin’ to a little kid.

“Abracadabra!” I said. She just looked at me with her head tilted.

“Okay,” I said. “What is the magic word?”

“Please,” she replied.

“Please what?”

“Rusty,” she said in a warnin’ tone.

“Yes?”

She sighed and then through gritted teeth said, “The magic word is please.”

“Please is a magic word?” I said. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a magician say, ‘And now for the magic word……Please!’ But, I have heard ‘em use Abracadabra. Ooooo! I’ve also heard ‘em use Alakazam.” Anywho, I think it’s illegal to make up magic words.” She just continued to look at me.

“What is wrong with you?” she asked.

“You mean besides bein’ bald, half deaf, and colorblind?”

She still just looked at me.

I looked up at the ceilin’ and then back down at her. “So, we got any tater tots?”

Wow! Let me tell you somethin’. That woman right there can scream.

And yet she still keeps me around…..Well, as long as I keep payin’ those life insurance payments.