JANET’S AND MY LIFE

July 15, 2026

by Rusty W. Mitchum

I thought y’all might like to see some of my old Facebook posts featurin’ my wife Janet and myself, and what we have to put up with. This was her idea.

Janet and I were just at our granddaughter, Brynley's T-ball game. When the game was over (we won) I stood up. A lady that was standin' to the left of me looked at my little three-legged stool.

"You don't have much of a seat there," she said.

"Well," I smiled. "That's because my wife chewed off the rest of it."

She giggled. I laughed. Then I turned around. You guessed it. There was Janet givin' me the stink eye.

She looked at the lady and said, "And now you know the reason why."

…….

I heard Janet in the kitchen as I was gettin’ dressed. I already had on my socks and underwear, so I put on a long-sleeved shirt. I got a runnin’ start in the hallway and slid into the kitchen with my back to her like Tom Cruise did in that movie. Then I spun around, lookin’ at her all sexy like. She was standing there with a grimace on her face and a fork in her hand, pretendin’ to poke her eyes out.

It really harshed the mood.

…….

Janet walked into the kitchen and saw me down on my knees with my head close to the floor.

“What are you doing now?” she sighed.

“Tryin’ to figure out what kind of bug this is,” I answered. She bent down to see.

“Look at the spotted color,” I said and looked up at her. “It’s kinda purdy, huh?”

She straightened up and gave me “the look.”

“What?” I said.

“That’s a dried pinto bean,” she said through gritted teeth.

I looked back at it. “It is? Hunh. I was wonderin’ why it didn’t have any legs.”

“Idiot.”

…….

I was headed out to see the doctor for a checkup this mornin’ when I passed Janet in the den. I stopped and hugged her.

“Sorry,” I said. “Can’t kiss you goodbye.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“The instructions from the doctor’s office said I couldn’t have anything by mouth for at least three hours before the visit and was scared you might try to slip me the tongue.”

She just looked at me and sighed. “Do me a favor,” she said.

“What’s that?” I said.

“When you see the doctor, the first thing you need to say is ‘D-N-R,’ please.”

…….

“Hey!” I said to Janet. “I found some excerpts from old Dick and Jane books here on the internet. You remember the old Dick and Jane books like we had in the first grade, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Janet sighed. “I remember.”

“Remember their dog, Spot? Oh yeah, and their kitty, Puff?”

Janet looked up at me from the book she was readin’. “Where are you going with this?” she asked.

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere with nothin’,” I said. “I was just reminiscin’.”

Janet smiled. “So, when they wrote books that you could actually read, right?”

“Hardy, har, har.” I said. “You’re so funny I forgot to laugh.” Janet rolled her eyes.

“Listen to this,” I said. “See if this stirs up any memories. Let me set the scene.” Again, she rolled her eyes.

“Dick and Jane’s baby sister, Sally, is on the couch playin’ with Puff, her little kitty, while her mom is in a chair knitting,’” I said. “Then Sally starts talkin’.”

“See Puff.

See Puff play.

See Puff play with Mother’s yarn.

See Mother stab Puff with knitting needle.”

I looked up with a surprised look on my face. “Oooo!” I said. “Didn’t see that comin’.”

Janet glared at me. “What is wrong with you?”

“Me?” I said. “I’d be more worried about Sally’s mom if I were you.”

“Idiot.”

…….

I walked into the kitchen and an odor hit me.

“Hey!” I yelled to Janet, who was back in the bedroom. “Somethin’ in here smells ripe!” I heard Janet sigh and start walkin’ my way. When she walked into the kitchen her nose punched up.

“Ooo! You’re right,” she said.

I raised my arm, turned my head, and sniffed. “You think it’s me?”

She closed her eyes halfway, tilted her head and looked at me. “It smells ripe,” she growled. “Not rotten.”

…….

“Hey!” I said to Janet a little while ago at the supper table. “Watch this!”

“Watch what,” she sighed.

“I’m gonna take this here hot wing, put the whole thing in my mouth, strip the meat off and spit out the bone.”

“And, why?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Why not?”

Janet just stared at me.

“Well,” I said. “Here goes.” I shoved the wing in my mouth and started gnawin’. I wallered it around in there workin’ all of the meat I could off. I looked up at Janet. She was still starin’. I grinned at her and the end on the bone popped out between my lips. Janet snorted. Then I snorted. Then I started coughin’. Red hot sauce shot out one nostril. Then I went into a fit. The bone shot out of my mouth. Janet had her head down and was beatin’ the table with her hand.

I finally caught my breath. “What are you tryin’ to do, kill me?!

She looked up, grabbed a napkin and started wipin’ her eyes. “You…..you looked like a cave man,” she stammered and then snorted again went back to laughin’.

I swear. I’m thinkin’ about trading’ her in.

…….

Janet: There hasn't been anything good on TV for three nights now.

Me: You think we need to get a new TV?

Janet: Idiot.
…….

“I think I may have arithmomania,” I said to Janet. She glanced at me with a bored look on her face and sighed.

“What?” she spat.

“You know how I’m always countin’ things?” I said.

“So.”

“So, people who count things, like steps, or ceilin’ tiles, and junk like that might have arithmomania.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I think I’ve ever heard.”

“They say it’s a mental disorder.”

Her eyes got wide. “Oh!” she said. “A mental disorder, huh? Okay, then I believe you.”

…….

We were sittin’ in the den when Janet’s phone rang. She picked it up, looked at it, and curled up her lip.

“It says Bulgaria,” she said.

“Oh, that’s probably my old girlfriend,” I informed her. “She’s been looking for me for years.” Janet looked over the top of her glasses at me, but didn’t say anything.

“We were really in love,” I continued. “Met her at the Miss Universe pageant. She was Miss Bulgaria. She was on stage doin’ her routine during’ the talent part. She had her hand under her armpit makin’ pootin’ sounds to the tune of “Catch a Fallin’ Star and Put it in Your Pocket” when our eyes met. It was Electric. I really felt badly because it caused her to miss a poot and she lost the pageant.” Janet continued to stare.

I put the back of my hand to my forehead. “But alas, it was not to be.” I said. “She wouldn’t leave her little hometown of Boogergariasville, so we parted ways. To this day, whenever I hear a poot, I get a tear in my eye.”

Janet was still starin’. Finally, she spoke. “Biggest bunch of Bulgaria I’ve ever heard.”

…….

Janet was sittin' on the couch readin' and I was watchin' TV. A commercial came on, so I turned and started starin' at Janet.

After a little while I heard her sigh. Without lookin' up, she growled, "What?"

I didn't say anything. Finally, she closed her book, looked up at me, and then rolled her eyes.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I was just thinkin'," I said. "You might want to go get your eyes checked out."

She tilted her head. "Why?"

"Because, every time I do, or say somethin', your eyes roll. I'm thinkin' you may have a tumor or somethin'."

She just looked at me with cold dead eyes.

"I have a tumor alright," she said. "It's bald, looks like it's pushin' about two hundred pounds, and unfortunately, not easily removed."

…….

Well, that’s it. I think Janet’s lucky to have me. For some reason she thinks differently. Go figure.